…the beauty of seeing things through…

So there’s some wave of the Holy Spirit that has come through Kansas City during a class at the IHOPU on wednesday morning and has gone nonstop sense. People have been getting delivered from addictions, eating disorders, depression, anxiety. People are getting healed, miraculous healing all over the place. I just watched this testimony of a girl that was deaf in one ear and she can now hear. I am amazed at the outpouring that’s been going on out there, and my heart is aching and longing to return to be there to be among it. But the Lord keeps whispering; “I want to do that here in Buffalo Meghan.” And I think, ok Lord, then how can we do that? And all He says is; “fast and pray, love me, and spend time with me.” Pretty much do what I was doing in KC but here in Buffalo, and do it with zeal. I know I don’t do it with zeal, more with drudgery.
At first glance you would write off this movement of God in KC because it’s at the International House of Prayer so it’s like, well that happens there all the time, it’s a green house for prophetic and stuff. But really, I was out there for two years, and there were a lot of dry seasons and seasons of the mundane. This is a new thing that’s happening there. And it’s because a company of people have been contending for a movement of God in that area for TEN years, and now, right now, they are just getting a TASTE of what the Lord wants to bring to the earth. It’s pretty amazing, and I WANT this in Buffalo, and the LORD wants this in Buffalo.

He uses the weakest things, and the foolish things to confound the wise. God is going to bring it.

Tomorrow I am leading a set at the Niagara Falls Vineyard, I’m sick – my voice is half gone, and my back is in pain. I’m praying for healing now as they are praying for it in KC. I’m believing Jesus for healing and restoration.

What a wide range of emotions we go through on a daily basis right?? I don’t know why or where it came from but it was like a train hit me and the passengers were; rejection, pain, abuse, distrust, fear, depression, and anxiety. And the guy conducting the train – the enemy. Ha. I can’t believe I just came up with that analogy right here. That’s pretty cheesy, but pretty accurate.

So tonight was the very first night of song of songs and we had a decent turn out. I know more people want to come, its just a matter of finding the time in their schedules. I know that God will put the right people in this study at the right time. We’re trying to do it in a way that you can show up half way into it or come from time to time and still connect with us and still get revelation about Jesus just because we don’t want anyone to feel out of the loop that genuinely have a desire to study the song of songs and to have intimacy with Jesus but can’t commit to a study every week. So that was that tonight.

Proverbs 12:23 – A prudent man conceals knowledge but the heart of fools proclaims foolishness

What does that mean? and why did I highlight it, it must have sounded good at one time. I’m rereading proverbs like I said and I’m reading all the verses I highlighted and thinking ok why did that hit me then because it’s not hitting me now. But that’s ok!

I realized tonight I got a lot of fear and a lot of doubt. I gotta get rid of that. On Christ the solid rock I stand. It’s true. I need to believe it.

You bring restoration

Tomorrow is the big day!!! We start our song of songs study. I am nervous yet excited. Wanting the Lord to speak, and reveal Himself. I want to see big things happen in this study for my own heart and for those that decide to come along for the journey.

I don’t even really know what to write about tonight. I know I want to write every day, to document this journey because I am serious about it. But nothing really happened today. Granted the day is not over.

Can I just say I love the weather lately?? I know snow will come any day now but I love the cold without the snow. I went for a walk this evening, in pursuit of a redbox to get the movie “up” and I loved being outside. It was cold, but not so cold it was killing me. I guess the word I would use is crisp. haha. So anyway, I’m just walking and I’m loving Jesus and I’m living the dream living down in the elmwood village. I am so thankful that the Lord gave me this place to dwell in. It does feel like shelter, like a safe place. A place where I can work out all this stuff in me, lick my wounds, and get back on my feet. I feel completely protected and loved and encouraged in this house with these women. The Lord knew exactly where to hedge me in. Why do we have such a hard time believing that He knows better and His ways are better?

I don’t really know what else I’m saying.

Today I had a glimpse of my own beauty, and it took me off guard. I don’t know how to really describe it but while I was walking I saw my reflection and stopped dead in my tracks and thought, Good God look at me, I’m freakin’ beautiful. I wrestle with my beauty constantly and I never feel like I am good enough, mostly because of things people have said to me or people have done to me to make me think that, or to think I’m not worthy. But I just got a glimpse of something tonight that made me think – damnit I AM beautiful.

Lookout!

…but he who perverts his ways will become known.

So today in spite of my physical pain, I feel like I had a much better day. Yesterday on top of still working through some anger, I had somehow managed to pull something in my lower back while lifting a 40lb baby (seriously, he’s a big boy).

This week starts the first week of our song of songs bible study and I am excited about it. I’m reading the song of songs commentary by Watchman Nee (yes that’s his name…love it.) and he said this to me today; “A life of consecration always comes before a life of love, and a satisfying experience always comes after an act of consecration.” To me that speaks volumes. It’s like a win win situation for me! I feel encouraged about my decision of consecration. Tonight I was telling a friend that I am actively pursing singleness, what a weird concept! I am actively going to stay single for an entire year. I still don’t get it, but it feels right. I don’t think I’ve ever actively pursued my singleness. I’ve always been pursuing marriage in some way, shape, or form. Not that it’s a bad thing, well, maybe it is. Maybe we all need to actively pursue singleness and go through this sifting and refining before we can step into relationship. These are just MY thoughts. At 27 years old I am actively pursuing to be single. Single minded, but whole hearted and it feels so right. Sure I have my weak moments, moments where I act like a 5 year old laid out on the floor kicking and screaming about wanting things my way. But the Lord in His tender mercy is guiding me in His way, which is the BEST way.

I love this too; “The first time a person experiences something, the impression may not be very deep; the second time, the experience may be more advanced and more sure. Yet the second experience may not be as sweet as the first. In the end the experience is the same as that which was encountered at the beginning; the banner is still love.”

I feel like that’s how it is with the Lord, the first time we encounter Him in a real tangible way it’s so exhilarating an incredible, and we want that kind of encounter all the time, and the second or third or seventieth time we encounter Him it may not be exactly like the first time, but the banner over us is still love. No Matter What. Even in those moments of dry unbearable places where you feel like you’re going to DIE in the wilderness, His banner is still LOVE. It all comes down to love.

Love wins every time.

My roommate has been talking a lot about what it means to contend for someone. Contend, contender, contending. I want to wrap my brain around it. To contend means to strive in opposition or against difficulties.

What does that mean?

It means believing for someone what God has for them, even though they are not walking in it at this moment in time. It’s believing in what you see God is trying to do in a person – and then believing FOR them, that it will come to pass. That they will walk in all that God has for them. To contend, to fight, to struggle in opposition. To fight against the enemy on that person’s behalf. To pray, to battle, to fast, to seek the face of God and intercede for that person to become all that he or she was meant to be.

What if I don’t want to? What if I just want to give up hope, and stop believing for that person for all that God has spoken for them because it seems like it’s never going to happen. Does that make me a horrible person to not want to do that right now? I don’t even want to pray for that person or think about that person. So to contend on their behalf, I don’t have the strength to do that. But I feel in my heart it’s what I should be doing, as a person that is born to contend, to fight, to intercede, to stand in the gap. It’s what I was made to do. But I don’t want to do it, because I have no hope that it would actually come to pass, and I’m tired of being disappointed. I don’t want to do all that work anymore. I feel like I did, like I tried, like I believed for someone, and I lost. And now I’m wounded. I don’t want to fight.

I’m done.