…the beauty of seeing things through…

It’s father’s day, and my dad is here cleaning the house because he won’t just SIT STILL AND ENJOY HIS DAY. Such a stubborn man. But I am going to talk about my Dad, I don’t think I ever really do, so here it is.

My Dad is probably the best man I know, seriously. I know every girl says that about her father, so it’s fine. But I just have to talk about him. My Dad is 100% faithful, loyal, and trustworthy to the core. He has always been the one to bow low and humble himself and let everyone else have their way in every way. In my family, my mother runs the show – I mean this in the most loving and sincere way possible. But she’s the boss, ask anyone of us kids. What mom says goes. Dad knows this, but there’s an underlying force that is called the voice of reason, and my Dad. He has a way where he can let my mom have her way, but then in a soft, quiet, and gentle tone, reason with her. At first she won’t listen, she won’t budge – but I know when no one else is around, she admits he’s right and she’s wrong. He can get a little whackadoo at times too, and sometimes we just have to keep reminding him that the entire world does not rest upon his shoulders, and we don’t expect him to always save the day.

My mom is always telling me how I’m Daddy’s little girl, or his baby, and quite often I protest because I look at my relationship with my Dad and I don’t see that at all. But what I am learning, and slowly realizing is that I AM a Daddy’s girl – he just doesn’t vocalize it as much as those Dad’s would. He’s a strong silent type, he won’t open the floodgates or show too much emotion because it would be just that – too much. But I know I am through the few words he does say, and mostly through the looks he gives me any given day. I know that I mean the world to him, even if I don’t hear it. I know that he would do ANYTHING for me, if he was physically capable of doing so. And I know it bothers him that he isn’t able to do the things for me that a Dad does – like helping his only daughter move into her new apartment.

My Dad has struggled with Multiple Sclerosis for about 22 years now, and as of recently its become a lot worse, to a degree where he cannot walk without some sort of assistance, and he should probably be in a wheelchair and not be driving, but he’s a stubborn mule. I mean as I am typing this he’s outside on a ladder somewhere because “something needs to get done” the man drives me crazy at times, but he’s persistent.

My Dad has never been invasive, or nosy, he’s always respected my boundaries as a person, and his daughter, partly because I think he knows that he can trust me, and he believes that I am living my life the way the Lord is leading and guiding me. We don’t talk too much about deep spiritual things, or even life, but I believe he has the understanding that I am who I am, and that’s how God made me. I am proud of my Dad and the man that he is. He isn’t perfect in any way. But he’s a good man. I think these lyrics to one of my favorite Paul Simon songs sum it up the best, and I plan on dancing to this song with my Dad one day.

“there’s never been a father who loved his daughter more than I love you” and that’s the truth…

So I have no internet at my new apartment, and my new computer has officially crapped out on me. I’m going to have to send it back, although all sales are final, so they will probably just send me another one. Not that I’m in any real hurry anyway, cause I can’t do much with it anyway.
I’m starting to set up house, thinking of how I want things to look, cleaning and keeping things clean. I really want to have a nice place to live in, considering I don’t plan on going anywhere for awhile. The place I was in down the road was alright but subconsciously I think roommate and I both knew that wasn’t going to be a place we were going to stay. And its true when I said we’d live together until one of us was married off – and it just so happens she beat me to it. But I’m quite happy with that, I’m finding my solitude to be painful, but I’m learning a lot about myself, and trying to become more of an independent person, granted I’ve always considered myself independant, I’m learning how to live and be alive and be alone. I need to do that for myself. I was doing that for awhile til things got all shaken up, but its hopefully starting to settle, and I can just go back to doing what I was doing for awhile until something changes.
I am going to need a roommate soon, its going to sneak up on me and I’m going to be stuck and I can’t let that happen. But I don’t really know where to look or who to ask because honestly there isn’t anyone really I want to live with except my favorite lindsay, but I am not going to put that kind of pressure on her when she has other hopes for what she wants to do in life. I’m sure the Lord has it all worked out somehow. I should be excited to see how He does it. I just know I need to live with someone that’s on the same path, or at least similar. I need to come home and have it be a place where I can retreat and be me and be gross and be vulnerable and raw when necessary. So I don’t want to live with a stranger. I wouldn’t mind living by myself either, but I can’t afford that. So really, its totally up to Jesus and I feel like all I can do is watch and see.
I need to get to that place of contentment again, I’m frustrated that everything has been shaken for me.
I feel like I’m writing about the same things ALL the time.

I was able to spend saturday afternoon with Brian Rosman home from China/Asia, somewhere over seas. That was so much fun hearing about his experiences and what the Lord had done in his life over the past year and just catching up with him. He’s always going to be dear to my heart, and I think he knows that.
THEN I was able to spend some time with some fantastic ladies down at the greek festival, we waited FOREVER to get food, but it was worth it, so good. I love greek food.
Now I’m at my parents house, using their internet, eating their food, doing laundry. The typical sunday afternoon – going to be followed by a really long walk, Jesus and I have some talking to do, and then most likely church. Yup. I enjoy Sunday.

Random Fact #9282
I can’t think of any.

So I just moved into my new apartment, and it couldn’t be MORE perfect, I’m pretty sure Jesus made this apartment just for me. I am so not kidding, I am seriously in love with this place. I am throwing away boxes, I am not moving again – at least not until ya know, something major happens in my life. But I am quite content in this house and the fact that my roommate will just be moving above me is spectacular. Finding a new roommate will be interesting. But honestly I’m not all that worried, I know the Lord already has in mind pretty much everything. How this next season of my life will play out – I’m leaving it up to Him. Or at least trying to, its a daily thing. My heart is all over the place.

I’m finding my way back into the secret place. It’s me and Jesus and thats the way it needs to stay for awhile. As much as I have my days where I want more, or something different – this is where I’m at until the Lord releases me into a new season. So I must count it all joy, and endure and learn and love. I know I’m making it sound like the worst possible thing in the world but its actually the BEST thing for me. I need to stay in the secret place, its not time for me to head up to the mountains.

It’s pentecost sunday, I am loving it. Holy Spirit come!

So what the heck, my roommate is getting married!! This is FANTASTIC because I am the maid of honor, she calls me her MoH. Which I think is cute. Already we have scoured the Buffalo area for a wedding gown, considering we only have six months to get this wedding planned! I am so excited about this and it really couldn’t be a more perfect time. She told me sunday night she was engaged, I got the text while I was sitting in service at the Tab and I immediately had to rush out to call her and clarify, actually I just replied twice with shut up first because I didn’t believe her, AND I was in the middle of some sweet time with the Lord. But then I totally got distracted so I needed to call her.
So yeah, its so exciting, I am LOVING all this time I get to spend with my roommate considering we never see each other, now we have to! haha.
So what else….
Jason Upton Event was pretty sweet. I loved the fact that by the end of it he and I were bff’s haha. Not really, but he’s super cool, I enjoyed serving in that capacity, granted I will not do that again for a very long time because I was SO burnt out afterward, it took me a good week to recoup and get back into the swing of things. Only to be shocked at previously mentioned engagement. So I think my life may be somewhat abnormal for the next six months. So Brother’s wedding is August 1st, Roommate’s wedding is Oct 23rd. This also means I have to find a new roommate! This is sad and exciting all at the same time because I have a few ideas of whom I would like to live with, but its up to them if they want to live with me. And its sad that roommate and I are parting, moving in together last July I imagined we’d be living together for years. Who knew?!?!?! (besides Jesus) But we’re both kind of heading in different directions anyway, so this is good. I am excited to see what happens!!!
Seriously though, I can’t imagine this is my life right now. The things that are taking place, the things I am learning, the woman I am becoming, really God? I am so undone by His love and affection over my life and that He sees everything I have denied, everything I have left behind, and everything I have sacrificed for the sake of the Kingdom of God, and for a deep intimate relationship with Him. I am not who I thought I was, I am so much better!!! This is good news for my heart. To know I am exactly who I was created to be, and I’m doing exactly what I am suppose to be doing. I can’t even begin to describe how much freedom I have and how much love I feel from the Father, His delight is in ME!

So I’m turning 27 tomorrow…nothing really special going on. I think I’m going to the Concert of Prayer at UB – Relevant is playing and I haven’t really worshipped with them in a really long time. Plus it was cool last year. Saturday I’m having dinner at Empire Grille with a small group of people that love me. Sunday I am going out to brunch with the family after church. My mom is turning 57, but she doesn’t look a day past 40! (seriously, she looks good.) So that’s about it.

….my heart is set on pilgrimage….

I am an IMPATIENT LITTLE BIRD, or fish, or rabbit. Why I have been equated to small animals is beyond me. But it’s cute – its better than impatient ardvark, or sloth. That’s certainly not appealing or cute.
I’m gonna wear a super cute dress tomorrow for Easter – THAT I am excited about. We’re having Easter at Nathan and Sarah’s with ALL the in-laws. SUPERfun.
I went to David’s Bridal today with my mom and got my bridesmaid dress ordered, it should be here in the end of May and then I might have to do some alterations to it. Still looking for silver strappy sandals. We then went SHOPPING. I love when she decides to spend money on me. I have acumulated three new dresses, two skirts, two tops, two pairs of shoes, a new spring coat, and a bag. Yup.
So…I went to Fredonia LAST weekend to speak to the fellowship, I don’t really remember EVERYTHING I spoke on, but it was good. I felt the Lord’s delight over it and I think I made some good points, I received a lot of encouraging feedback. I am super glad I was able to pull out my sense of humor because I’m not the BEST public speaker, BUT I am doing much better. Considering the last time I had to speak in public was in October and I tanked, BUT I have to defend myself, I was in a different place in life, and having a really rough day – interpersonally. Lots of tension. So anyway, after the meeting I ended up hanging out with the kids and talking to a few different women. It was really good for my heart to share the little bits of wisdom and knowledge that the Lord has imparted to me through this season I’ve been walking through with Him.
So the thing that I’ve been really thinking about, and maybe I’ve been thinking about it a lot or have said it a lot – but it all comes down to love. Talking to various women throughout the past two weeks I am just seeing the same pattern, we are a people looking for love and looking to BE loved. And we ALL know where that comes from, but do we ever step into that realm? I am finally finding my confidence in the love of Christ, and its given me much more boldness and courage to do much more, like speak to a fellowship of 50 some odd twentysomethings about intimacy with Jesus, or sit in a friend’s living room and talk to 8 of my own peers about the song of solomon and dissect the book with these people and learn more about the LOVE that Jesus has for His bride. It’s giving me confidence to step out in different roles of leadership that I wasn’t expecting. I am confident that I am completely and fully loved by God – with no terms or conditions. He just loves me right where I am, just as I am – as weak and broken, and often impatient, stubborn, and cranky. He loves me, and I love Him, and I am so thankful. I want this to just go to the depths of my heart so I will keep throwing off the things that so easily entagle me. I realize there’s new things that are rising up in my heart that I have to deal with now that I didn’t deal with as much as before. But this is good, everything is good!
And seriously, we all KNOW these things, but do we let it sink in, do we sit in the presence of the Lord and just wait on Him? I know I don’t even do that as often as I should because of my flesh, I get impatient, I don’t like waiting, I want to know everything NOW. But that’s not the kind of season He has me in.

So my impatience that I mentioned in the beginning is because I am getting SO stirred up in the place of prayer and I WANT a HOUSE of PRAYER to be established in BUFFALO SO BADLY and I KNOW it’s going to take a long time of laboring in prayer and going deep, and seeking the face of Jesus and waiting upon Him and listening to Him for direction, but seriously I want it NOW. I sound so childish right? ha. But in all reality if there was a 24/7 house of prayer in buffalo, I would BE THERE. There is so much movement right now, its crazy – and its good, and its keeping my heart humble. It really is a pilgrimage, truly. And I am on this pilgrimage with some AMAZING people. Seriously, the more I am doing this with these people the more my heart is being moved in LOVE towards the Lord, and towards these people.
So I’m being pushed every so slightly out of my place of solitude, and it’s ok. I’m ok with it because it’s all stuff the Lord is doing and revealing to me. But I am ever so thankful for my solitude and I am realizing that I won’t have it for much longer, so I need to be jealous over it.
But I want to be steady when all the shaking comes, because it’s going to come.

So I met this guy last night, his name is Scott MacLeod, and his story was AMAZING. He’s currently in charge of Thunder School, which at first the name is kinda like ehhhh but honestly this guy is for real. He is all about raising up a generation of young people in the prophetic arts, which I think is fantastic. He went to Nashville to pursue a career in music like most people who go down there do, and long story short – the Lord had stirred him up and he put down his music to go into the secret place and be hidden in the place of prayer and went deep and did that for a period of time and then the Lord began to just bless his life over and over again with various relationships, connections, things relating to the music industry, ministry, etc etc. It was really cool hearing his story and it was really encouraging to my heart again about just being in the place of prayer, being hidden, going deep in the Word, spending long hours in the presence of the Lord, becoming so acutely aware of His voice that when He moves, I will know.
SO yeah, thats a lot.
Next weekend is going to be busy! I’m excited/nervous, but looking forward to what the Lord is doing to do, and expecting Him to show up. I want encounter, and I want to see people go deep.
By His stripes we are HEALED.

Random Fact #9136
Every year since I was a baby I was given a stuffed rabbit on easter, until I was probably 21 or 22. I have a large collection of stuffed rabbits that I will one day give to my daughters.