…the beauty of seeing things through…

So yesterday I journeyed the almost 3 hours out to Oswego to visit my two favorite people and their offspring. Their offspring are so stinkin’ cute and so full of life and personality! I love watching my friends interact with their children, especially because I knew them without children, and better yet, I knew them before they knew each other. It’s funny cause she and I were sitting there thinking; wow we’re old. But I still feel stuck in that in between place because I am without a husband and without children. I KNOW my life does NOT begin when I have those factors, but I know that something changes in a woman when that season begins.
I was welcomed home to a house full of streamers and confetti and balloons because we were celebrating Brittney’s birthday with a decade party. I however did not dress up, but I enjoyed seeing everyone in costumes. It seemed as if all the men had consulted one another previously and decided they’d all be greasers from the 50’s because well, that’s the easiest costume to get together! A white t-shirt, jeans, a leather type jacket, and throw a cigarette behind your ear and grease your hair back and you’re good to go!

I’m dealing with the issue of offense today, I just feel very offended for the wrongs that have been done to me and I still want justice and get frustrated when I feel like those that have wronged me have gotten away with it with no consequences. Granted I don’t know if they’ve faced consequences, but it feels like no one is fighting for me, or defending me, and I am feeling very much alone in my offense. I know that God defends me, but I am realizing that His justice looks way different than mine. I’m just not ready to grasp that. I’d rather see pain inflicted. That sounds awful, but I am honest as I’ll ever be right now. I’m hurting in such a way that I’ve never thought possible, and I know that there will be much healing and restoration that will be coming, but being in this place right now is not fun at all. I felt like I was gaining ground and getting freedom, but today I feel as if I am right back where I started. Why does that happen to us? It’s very frustrating.

I wisdom, dwell with prudence, and find out knowledge and discretion.

I need You to come.

What a long day.
What a long week.
What a long YEAR.

This is my life.

Today is Proverbs 7, and Solomon is pretty serious about this whole keeping wisdom thing, he goes right into it, what happens when we walk away from wisdom. He says this about the adulteress woman; ” Do not let your hearts turn aside to her ways, do not stray into her paths for she has cast down many wounded, and all who were slain by her were strong men. Her house is the way to hell, descending to the chambers of death.”

All I know is I want to know wisdom like the back of my hand. I want wisdom to be written on my heart. I just don’t want to do anything outside the will of God. I have committed my ways to the Lord, and I can’t NOT obey and walk in His way. I feel like each day I’m finding just a little bit more freedom, not a whole lot, but enough to know that something is breaking off of me in the spiritual realm, and if this is a steady continuous thing like I am asking for – by day 365 I believe I will be ENTIRELY new, on so many levels. I believe the Lord as something so big for me that I have to be sifted and refined right now to withstand all that He is going to release to me in the years to come, I mean really I feel like I am old and whatnot, but I’m not I have a LONG journey ahead of me, and He is totally equipping me with the wisdom and knowledge I need to do what I feel He is calling me to. It’s exciting, its all preparation right now.

Today I choose to give my yes to You

…therefore he will not spare in the day of vengence, he will accept no recompense nor will he be appeased though you give many gifts…

I hate how quickly the enemy sneaks in and screws with your head. Really. I had a really good day up until now.
But I am actively pursuing holiness, and purity. And I cannot settle for ANYTHING less. I refuse, even if my heart is raging within me, my will is not budging this time.

Tonight I was at EHWC for the Deeper worship concert with Paul Baloche, Brian Doerksen and Kathryn Scott and I really had some sweet revelations of Jesus throughout the whole night, just little bits here and there. Nothing major, just small little thoughts that I had thought before, but it never hit my heart in such a way where my eyes were opened to who Jesus TRULY is. It was pretty sweet. Plus Brian was talking about a season of his life where he consecrated himself to the Lord – ding ding ding! I am SO glad I am not the only on out there that decides to do such a crazy thing. Also, I was talking to my roommate and she had mentioned that they were speaking about it at the eagles wings conference the night prior. I had every intention of going, but I ended up not going for various reasons and it was better that way. It’s funny how God throws detours in front of us to prevent things from happening. It just proves that He’s already gone before me, and has ordained the path I am currently walking down and all the steps I have and will take. It’s for real.

So God, right now, is my husband. I am committed to Him as if He were the only one for me. I mean He is the only one, but He will be the only one until the right man comes along and asks Him for me. We have made that deal, and I have made that vow. I am actively saying no to all men in my life, and completely shutting every door that may be or has been at one point open. I am surrendering it all to the Lord, and I’ve given Him permission to deal with whomever comes knocking at those doors. It’s really not my problem anymore, and it feels good. I feel less pressure and I feel like there’s less for me to even think about, because for a year I’ve given it up, so why think about it anyway when it’s not even remotely possible? I wrestle a bit with this idea, but in the end, it’s really so very healthy for me. I do feel like I am gaining freedom from it because I am actively, daily, placing this into the hands of the Father and He is constantly reminding me that it’s His deal, not mine.

He is jealous for me

for the ways of man are before the eyes of the Lord, and He ponders all his paths. His own iniquities entrap the wicked man, and he is caught in the cords of his sin. He shall die for lack of instruction, and in the greatness of is folly he shall go astray.

So I noticed my post for yesterday got posted today, wordpress and facebook must have not liked each other. I find technology to be quite convenient and quite confusing. It has so many pros and cons, I really can’t live without internet, to some extend. I managed to not have it in my own house for 5 months and I survived, it was actually nice. I had nothing really to distract me, until I discovered blockbuster’s 99 cent rentals, then I had PLENTY to distract me. I’ve realized that no one likes to sit in their pain, no one likes to deal with their sin, or their regret, or their pain. So we find ways to distract ourselves, healthy and unhealthy. I actually think all distraction to some degree is unhealthy because it means we are not dealing with the root issues at hand. So even a “healthy” distraction, such as ministry, or bible study, or work could be unhealthy if it is preventing you from moving forward in a healing process that may be vital to your own preservation. That’s just something I thought of earlier today.

Oh what a week, it feels like my consecration journey is already months into it, but really it’s only day 5. WHAT!? But wow, wait until day 76 or day 243, I can’t wait to see what the Lord does by then. I am so eager to see all the things He has spoken to me and over me to come to pass. I just want to see Him do what He says He’s going to do, so I’m waiting for it, expecting it. Things get easier with time, it is certainly true. I just have to keep claiming the freedom that has already been given to me, and I need to stop walking in fear. Perfect love casts out all fear, and I know I have a God that LOVES me with a deep and everlasting love.

Your river it rushes to the lowest places.

…therefore get wisdom, and in all your getting, get understanding.
So I have a fun and busy weekend coming up ahead of me. Kind of looking forward to it. I’m going to EHWC for Paul Baloche on Friday night with my parents. Saturday I am driving out to Oswego to see two of my favorite people, plus more favorite people, and a lot of small children. Then I get to come home to a big super fantastic birthday party for Amber’s sister Brittany, it’s a decade party by the way, but I have nothing to wear. AND then sunday I think I may spend the afternoon with two of my favorite girls that I haven’t really seen since the summer. THEN into another busy week, followed by a busy weekend, into ANOTHER busy week, followed by a semi-busy weekend, into another busy week, with thanksgiving thrown in there, and a not so busy weekend, and then into december. I am so not ready for december, for a number of reasons. One which I cannot share for public knowledge JUST yet, but it’s exciting news. Pretty freakin’ sweet on all sorts of levels.

Today is proverbs 4, solomon is still telling me that I need to get wisdom, and get understanding, and take hold of her and not let go. well, I’m holding onto wisdom as if my life depended on it. Wisdom and the fear of the Lord is keeping me right now. Because my mind is raging, and my heart is at conflict pretty much all the time. But I made a vow, and I intend on keeping it, even though there are days where it kills me. But I know in the end, at the end of this road, it’s going to be SO WORTH IT. So much more worth it, I really can’t fathom how much better this is. Walking in wisdom, walking in the ways of righteousness, seeking first the kingdom, saying no to the wrong things, even saying no to the right things at the wrong times. All of it will add up, and I KNOW I will be blessed, more than I can comprehend. This is but a vapor, just a minute in the grand scheme of things. A year is nothing.

there is beauty in the breakdown