…the beauty of seeing things through…

Tomorrow is the big day!!! We start our song of songs study. I am nervous yet excited. Wanting the Lord to speak, and reveal Himself. I want to see big things happen in this study for my own heart and for those that decide to come along for the journey.

I don’t even really know what to write about tonight. I know I want to write every day, to document this journey because I am serious about it. But nothing really happened today. Granted the day is not over.

Can I just say I love the weather lately?? I know snow will come any day now but I love the cold without the snow. I went for a walk this evening, in pursuit of a redbox to get the movie “up” and I loved being outside. It was cold, but not so cold it was killing me. I guess the word I would use is crisp. haha. So anyway, I’m just walking and I’m loving Jesus and I’m living the dream living down in the elmwood village. I am so thankful that the Lord gave me this place to dwell in. It does feel like shelter, like a safe place. A place where I can work out all this stuff in me, lick my wounds, and get back on my feet. I feel completely protected and loved and encouraged in this house with these women. The Lord knew exactly where to hedge me in. Why do we have such a hard time believing that He knows better and His ways are better?

I don’t really know what else I’m saying.

Today I had a glimpse of my own beauty, and it took me off guard. I don’t know how to really describe it but while I was walking I saw my reflection and stopped dead in my tracks and thought, Good God look at me, I’m freakin’ beautiful. I wrestle with my beauty constantly and I never feel like I am good enough, mostly because of things people have said to me or people have done to me to make me think that, or to think I’m not worthy. But I just got a glimpse of something tonight that made me think – damnit I AM beautiful.

Lookout!

…but he who perverts his ways will become known.

So today in spite of my physical pain, I feel like I had a much better day. Yesterday on top of still working through some anger, I had somehow managed to pull something in my lower back while lifting a 40lb baby (seriously, he’s a big boy).

This week starts the first week of our song of songs bible study and I am excited about it. I’m reading the song of songs commentary by Watchman Nee (yes that’s his name…love it.) and he said this to me today; “A life of consecration always comes before a life of love, and a satisfying experience always comes after an act of consecration.” To me that speaks volumes. It’s like a win win situation for me! I feel encouraged about my decision of consecration. Tonight I was telling a friend that I am actively pursing singleness, what a weird concept! I am actively going to stay single for an entire year. I still don’t get it, but it feels right. I don’t think I’ve ever actively pursued my singleness. I’ve always been pursuing marriage in some way, shape, or form. Not that it’s a bad thing, well, maybe it is. Maybe we all need to actively pursue singleness and go through this sifting and refining before we can step into relationship. These are just MY thoughts. At 27 years old I am actively pursuing to be single. Single minded, but whole hearted and it feels so right. Sure I have my weak moments, moments where I act like a 5 year old laid out on the floor kicking and screaming about wanting things my way. But the Lord in His tender mercy is guiding me in His way, which is the BEST way.

I love this too; “The first time a person experiences something, the impression may not be very deep; the second time, the experience may be more advanced and more sure. Yet the second experience may not be as sweet as the first. In the end the experience is the same as that which was encountered at the beginning; the banner is still love.”

I feel like that’s how it is with the Lord, the first time we encounter Him in a real tangible way it’s so exhilarating an incredible, and we want that kind of encounter all the time, and the second or third or seventieth time we encounter Him it may not be exactly like the first time, but the banner over us is still love. No Matter What. Even in those moments of dry unbearable places where you feel like you’re going to DIE in the wilderness, His banner is still LOVE. It all comes down to love.

Love wins every time.

My roommate has been talking a lot about what it means to contend for someone. Contend, contender, contending. I want to wrap my brain around it. To contend means to strive in opposition or against difficulties.

What does that mean?

It means believing for someone what God has for them, even though they are not walking in it at this moment in time. It’s believing in what you see God is trying to do in a person – and then believing FOR them, that it will come to pass. That they will walk in all that God has for them. To contend, to fight, to struggle in opposition. To fight against the enemy on that person’s behalf. To pray, to battle, to fast, to seek the face of God and intercede for that person to become all that he or she was meant to be.

What if I don’t want to? What if I just want to give up hope, and stop believing for that person for all that God has spoken for them because it seems like it’s never going to happen. Does that make me a horrible person to not want to do that right now? I don’t even want to pray for that person or think about that person. So to contend on their behalf, I don’t have the strength to do that. But I feel in my heart it’s what I should be doing, as a person that is born to contend, to fight, to intercede, to stand in the gap. It’s what I was made to do. But I don’t want to do it, because I have no hope that it would actually come to pass, and I’m tired of being disappointed. I don’t want to do all that work anymore. I feel like I did, like I tried, like I believed for someone, and I lost. And now I’m wounded. I don’t want to fight.

I’m done.

So yesterday I journeyed the almost 3 hours out to Oswego to visit my two favorite people and their offspring. Their offspring are so stinkin’ cute and so full of life and personality! I love watching my friends interact with their children, especially because I knew them without children, and better yet, I knew them before they knew each other. It’s funny cause she and I were sitting there thinking; wow we’re old. But I still feel stuck in that in between place because I am without a husband and without children. I KNOW my life does NOT begin when I have those factors, but I know that something changes in a woman when that season begins.
I was welcomed home to a house full of streamers and confetti and balloons because we were celebrating Brittney’s birthday with a decade party. I however did not dress up, but I enjoyed seeing everyone in costumes. It seemed as if all the men had consulted one another previously and decided they’d all be greasers from the 50’s because well, that’s the easiest costume to get together! A white t-shirt, jeans, a leather type jacket, and throw a cigarette behind your ear and grease your hair back and you’re good to go!

I’m dealing with the issue of offense today, I just feel very offended for the wrongs that have been done to me and I still want justice and get frustrated when I feel like those that have wronged me have gotten away with it with no consequences. Granted I don’t know if they’ve faced consequences, but it feels like no one is fighting for me, or defending me, and I am feeling very much alone in my offense. I know that God defends me, but I am realizing that His justice looks way different than mine. I’m just not ready to grasp that. I’d rather see pain inflicted. That sounds awful, but I am honest as I’ll ever be right now. I’m hurting in such a way that I’ve never thought possible, and I know that there will be much healing and restoration that will be coming, but being in this place right now is not fun at all. I felt like I was gaining ground and getting freedom, but today I feel as if I am right back where I started. Why does that happen to us? It’s very frustrating.

I wisdom, dwell with prudence, and find out knowledge and discretion.

I need You to come.

What a long day.
What a long week.
What a long YEAR.

This is my life.

Today is Proverbs 7, and Solomon is pretty serious about this whole keeping wisdom thing, he goes right into it, what happens when we walk away from wisdom. He says this about the adulteress woman; ” Do not let your hearts turn aside to her ways, do not stray into her paths for she has cast down many wounded, and all who were slain by her were strong men. Her house is the way to hell, descending to the chambers of death.”

All I know is I want to know wisdom like the back of my hand. I want wisdom to be written on my heart. I just don’t want to do anything outside the will of God. I have committed my ways to the Lord, and I can’t NOT obey and walk in His way. I feel like each day I’m finding just a little bit more freedom, not a whole lot, but enough to know that something is breaking off of me in the spiritual realm, and if this is a steady continuous thing like I am asking for – by day 365 I believe I will be ENTIRELY new, on so many levels. I believe the Lord as something so big for me that I have to be sifted and refined right now to withstand all that He is going to release to me in the years to come, I mean really I feel like I am old and whatnot, but I’m not I have a LONG journey ahead of me, and He is totally equipping me with the wisdom and knowledge I need to do what I feel He is calling me to. It’s exciting, its all preparation right now.

Today I choose to give my yes to You